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Tasted Like Chicken

One thing i’ve been learning in Recovery is that a lot of my drinking was fear based. i was afraid of being rejected, afraid of looking stupid (which is ironic when you consider how i looked after i’d drunk), afraid of talking, afraid of being judged, afraid of showing emotion… Booze made me brave. Liquid courage. It also made me an asshole. Liquid…asshole? No, that’s diarrhea.

In my 4th Step of the Alcoholics Anonymous program, i listed my wrongs and resentments and people i’d harmed and discovered the source for many of my defects of character were based in the fear i was trying to drown with alcohol. My sponsor told me to write down, every day, the fears i’ve experienced that day.

This is now my nightly routine. In bed, right before sleeping, i list the following things:

  1. My Fears: what caused them and what the core fear was (like being rejected or health fears or fear of anger…)
  2. My Esteemable Acts: what did i do that day, especially anonymously, to make my corner of the world a better place
  3. My Gratitude List: what was i grateful for that day

You know what? i’ve been doing this for about 2 weeks and today i realized i’m a lot less afraid of daily life than i have been in decades. Literally. And i haven’t done anything, except write down 3-4 things at night.

Tastes like Chicken? Not anymore.

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About Al K Hall

Like a battered drinker or a punch drunk boxer, i am here for another round. For those of you who don’t know me, i’m a semi-professional writer on the rocks and a non-practicing alcoholic (if after 30 years of practicing, you still can't do something well, it's best to just give it up). For those of you who do know me, thanks for stopping by anyway and where’s the ten bucks you owe me? Welcome to my Bar None. A hole in the wall where we can hang out and trade the kind of stories you swap only when you’ve had one too many and either can’t find your way home or are afraid to. Hell, it’s cheaper than therapy and plus the pictures are prettier. Here we’ll crack open bottles and jokes and ‘last call’ are the only dirty words you’ll never hear. Pull up a stool and make yourselves at home. http://about.me/AlKHall

Posted on November 17, 2011, in AA Step Work, Alcoholics Anonymous, Alcoholism, Lessons in Recovery, Recovery, Toolbox and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. This is all good stuff, Maynard. (cf. http://youtu.be/OoAJNn6SETs)

    I think the first thing I thought of when I read this is what I learned from you from the program: it works if you work it. And there you go. More evidence!

    And, that’s an upside-down seahorse in addition to the snake in that bottle, huh. *shudders* Eeep! Yeah, I bet that cures “rheumatism, lumbago, [and] sweat of limbs” all right. Cure by death is one way to think of a cure, eh? LOL

  2. I gotta tell you, I’m scared of that damn photo!

  3. It has been said by many before me that many people including non alcoholics could benefit from the AA program. I tend to agree. We all have fears and we respond in our own ways. Some drink, some eat, some hide etc. etc. Congrats on your progress.

    • Thanks, Moderation!

      i’m a big fan of the program and it’s really working out well for me. If i wasn’t an alcoholic, i’d try to become one just to have all the benefits of the program.

      Keep coming back,

      Al K Hall

  4. I can relate to that. Fear plays a large part in my everyday life. While i am middle aged now, i fear career will not be successful, have insufficient money when i am due to retire, grow old and die alone……
    I get in depressed mood for an irregular period of time. it is a dark cold place when i recounted every failures and regrets ever since i am born. Often i wish to just disappear from the face of earth. But i resist drink. i am afraid that once i start, i get hooked.

    • Hi Anna!

      You’re right, the best firs step to avoiding fear, have a good career and start a meaningful relationship is not getting hooked on the drink! Best of luck overcoming your fears.

      Keep coming back,

      Al K Hall

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