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Tear Punches to the Heart

Udderly Messed Up

i know you’re not going to believe me—i’ve tried to hide it well—but i’ve always been emotionally hypersensitive. Sometimes i think it’s the case for many addicts, and that we turn to our drug of choice to, quite literally, numb out.

Lately, usually in meetings but not necessarily (and always without warning), i get this feeling like i’m being punched in the heart with a fist made of tears.

It’s not unpleasant.

It feels like feelings coming back.

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About Al K Hall

Like a battered drinker or a punch drunk boxer, i am here for another round. For those of you who don’t know me, i’m a semi-professional writer on the rocks and a non-practicing alcoholic (if after 30 years of practicing, you still can't do something well, it's best to just give it up). For those of you who do know me, thanks for stopping by anyway and where’s the ten bucks you owe me? Welcome to my Bar None. A hole in the wall where we can hang out and trade the kind of stories you swap only when you’ve had one too many and either can’t find your way home or are afraid to. Hell, it’s cheaper than therapy and plus the pictures are prettier. Here we’ll crack open bottles and jokes and ‘last call’ are the only dirty words you’ll never hear. Pull up a stool and make yourselves at home. http://about.me/AlKHall

Posted on March 26, 2012, in Alcoholism, Lessons in Recovery, Recovery and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Dear Al,

    oh my Bus # 59.

    What a beautiful post and what an honor to be witness to your journey.

    Peace to you my Friend.

    Jen

  2. Yep, a punch to the heart. I get it Al. I know a bunch of addicts who are sensitive. I’m not sure it’s 100% true …as i don’t know all addicts (as similar and garden variety as we are).

    The punches to the chest: They aren’t that uncomfortable really: It’s a familiar feeling, innit? I guess it gets easier to calm the beasts as you gather more support and recognize the punches. Sometimes you might even see a punch coming. If you duck, they’ll come back, right? No numbing. Literally !!!

    Sending you blogsphere support always, Mel

  3. Dude-where do you get your images? seriously.
    And about those punches-I sometimes get those too, except it can feel like a pommeling.
    As for addicts numbing out their ‘sensitivities”, I fully agree that that is the case. When clean and sober, the rage and pain often surface, because they have a chance to, and even though our pattern, habit has been to suppress our feelings, even subconsciously, allowing them to leak out is cleansing. At least thats my take on it. But it still freaks me out sometimes. I mean, what a frickin’ cry baby I can be. I say we all buy stock in some enviro. responsible tissue company!

    • i know!

      Last night in the meeting i was sharing something very important and i started out OK, but the more i spoke the more i got choked up. The whole time, another part of my brais was going “Really, Al? Seriously!? You really wanna talk like this in front of all these people? You don’t want to try and get it together a little?” Ugh, it’s frustrating but part of the recovery. And it feels way better than a hangover!

      Keep coming back,

      Al K Hall

  4. 🙂
    I have that too!!!!

  5. Hi there, Al. Thanks for the post. Tear punches says it perfectly. I’m 5 days sober (this time for good…it just feels different) and EVERYTHING makes me want to cry including that bear. Some day I hope it doesn’t feel unpleasant. Take care Al.

    • Nice to see you back! Congrats on the 5 days, that’s great news! Hang in there… As good as you feel today, the better you’ll feel tomorrow!

      Kep coming back and keep Working On It!

      Al K Hall

  6. Yea, that’s precisely it! Somewhere along the way I had learnt how to turn emotions off and that was a bliss. Becoming sober I realised that I MUST deal with my emotions if I wish to remain sober… geesh, what an ordeal 😉 But it’s a good thing, it’s not escaping life any longer, it’s LIVING!

    Thank you so much for sharing, Al K!

    • Hi River!

      Ah, if only the bliss of turning off was lasting…i may have stayed a drunk! Unfortunately, feelings and emotions are like bills, even if you don’t pay them right away, you have to pay them some time, and with interest! It’s much more peaceful to pay them as they come up so i can forget about them and get on to the more important business of having fun!

      Keep coming back,

      Al K Hall

  7. LOL — I really liked this: “feelings and emotions are like bills, even if you don’t pay them right away, you have to pay them some time, and with interest!”

    Word!

    I experienced the tear punches a lot when dealing with grief and PTSD. In fact, I think I remember that tear punches (great word for them, BTW) are a symptom of PTSD, and that paying bills metaphor is exactly it when dealing with PTSD.

    Truly insightful post and comments, my Al.
    xx
    The Mrs

    • Hi Angel!

      Thanks for the kind words. i do know that i’m dealing with a lot of crap and every day it seems to be a little easier to handle all that’s on my plate.

      i’m just doing the best i can!

      Keep coming back, abbe, 😉

      Al K Hall

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