Self Image Editor
My latest idea for an invention is a photo editor like Picasa, Pixlr-o-matic, or Instagram that adjusts reality so it more closely resembles my idealized perception of it. I’d name the program Melodr-o-matic. Or Instagrat.
One of the reasons i started drinking was because i read the Jim Morrison biography, No One Here Gets Out Alive. Like a perfect storm, the book hit me at just the right time in my life (i was 17 years old and in the process of becoming a disillusioned Christian) and i decided i wanted to be cool like Jim Morrison. (i even wrote a post about this over at the Bar None, here.)
i had this mental image of what drinking and partying was like, about how it was dark and poetic and dangerous and just plain cool. i fell in love with that image and looked for it at the bottom of every glass i could get my hand on. If you’d asked me—when i was staring up at the ceiling through the bottom of that glass—i’d have told you i’d found it.
Which is why i hated photographs of myself drinking. Pictures of me drunk showed a goofy, sloppy, drooling asshole who looked absolutely nothing at all like Jim Morrison. Nothing like the mental picture i carried of myself in the pocket just over my heart.
My illusions have since ceased to become delusions. It’s still hard for me to say that i’m happy or to use exclamation points when i write but i’m learning to live with the optimism. Am i still cool? Most certainly not. But given the choice between “cool” and “happy”, i’m going to choose “happy” every time.
Posted on April 26, 2012, in Alcoholism, Lessons in Recovery, Recovery and tagged alcohol, Alcohol Insanity, Alcohol Recovery, alcoholic, alcoholism, Insanity, mental-health, Recovery, What i learned in AA. Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.