Advertisements

Monthly Archives: November 2012

Lord of the Things

Alcoholics understand  better than most the concept of the double personality. There’s the person we know we are, and then there’s The Other, the spirit who takes control and does things we never would.

Reading this review of Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, i learned that Tolkien understood, too.

“1:10:56 There is an argument to be made that the Ring is a symbol of addiction. The whole internal debate Gollum goes through over the ring sounds like an AA meeting.”

i checked out the film at that point and found the following debate between Sméagol and his alter ego, Gollum.

[Nighttime, Frodo and Sam are asleep. Gollum is crouching in a corner by himself.]

GOLLUM
We wants it. We needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false!

SMÉAGOL
No! Not Master.

GOLLUM
Yes, Precious. False. They will cheat you, hurt you, lie.

SMÉAGOL
Master’s my friend.

GOLLUM
You don’t have any friends. Nobody likes YOU…

SMÉAGOL
[Covers his ears] Not listening. I’m not listening.

GOLLUM
You’re a liar and a thief.

SMÉAGOL
[Shaking his head] Nope.

GOLLUM
Mur…derer…!

SMÉAGOL
[Starts to weep and whimper] Go away.

GOLLUM
Go away?! [Cackles] HAHAHAHA!!

SMÉAGOL
[Weeping and in a small voice] I hate you. I hate you!

GOLLUM
[Fiercely] Where would you be without me? Gollum. I saved us. It was me. We survived because of me!

SMÉAGOL
[Resolute] Not anymore.

GOLLUM
What did you say?

SMÉAGOL
Master looks after us now. We don’t need you.

GOLLUM
What?

SMÉAGOL
Leave now and never come back.

GOLLUM
No!!

SMÉAGOL
[Louder] Leave now and never come back!

GOLLUM
[Growls and bares his teeth] Arrrgh!!!

SMÉAGOL
LEAVE. NOW. AND. NEVER. COME. BACK!

[Sméagol pants and then looks around.]

SMÉAGOL
We… we told him to go away, and away he goes, Precious! [He hops around in joy and does a little dance.] Gone, gone, gone! Sméagol is free!

Nice summary of the last 22 months of my life…

Advertisements

Good for you, it’s good for you!

It's The Little Things That Mark You sobriety recovery alcoholism

It’s The Little Things That Mark You

Everyone knows that every Friday my work has an all-you-can-drink cocktail party. When i was drinking, Friday was a regular reminder of what kind of binge drinker i was because no matter how many promises i made to myself, my wife, even my kids, i always got sucked back into the eddy of “just one more”. After that came phone calls and apologies and walking unevenly home and the only thing buoyed me other than the beers i always stole from the office and carried in the deep pockets of my trench coat was the knowing that when i stumbled late into wherever i was supposed to be that there would be some more alcohol there.

Last night i made plans to eat some fast food and see a movie with my 17-year-old son. To meet him at the restaurant, i had to leave work at 5:45 (the cocktail party starts at 5:30, unless you start at the all-you-can-drink wine lunch)—i left 5 minutes early. i did not try to pound as many beers as i could fit into 15 minutes only to end up unable to tear myself away from free booze and calling him with promises i would make it up later. i did not stand him up and i did not let him down.

After our fast food dinner, as we sat waiting for the movie to roll, i realized all i’d done was make and keep an appointment with my son, something most (non alcoholic) people take for granted. It’s such a little thing and yet it is really such a huge thing when i think about it. And i do. A lot. And i’m not the only one.

________________________

Just a little shout out to my sober buddy Drunky Drunk Girl, whose blog post inspired this one.

PS i hate the title of this post but like it too much to change it. Just so’s ya know.

Emotional Hangover Cure

Used 2012-11-22 Hangover recovery alcoholism sobriety

You know that moment when you laugh because you think the person is making a joke but then you can tell from their expression they were dead serious? That’s exactly what happened to me the first time i heard someone use the expression, “Emotional Hangover”.

After that initial social foot in mental mouth, i dutifully kept my “Next you’ll be telling me about the Le Mans birth of your inner child” asides to myself.

Until i got sober. Then i recognized the shaky weakness in my stomach, the fatigue, sadness and headache after an emotional enema for what it was: a hangover. i’ve probably been having them forever, only they were hiding behind the alcohol hangovers.

Fortunately, the cure seems to be the same…early to bed and lots of sleep.

Hanging (over) in there sobriety recovery alcoholism

Hanging [over] In There

What i Means

Double Dose recovery alcoholism sobriety

Double Dose

Not only did sobriety save my life, it gave me a life worth saving.

Alcoholism defined me for the longest time. i joked about it (“I don’t have a drinking problem, ‘cept when I can’ find a drink” [Tom Waits], “i’m a writer; drinking is a job requirement”, “i was an alcoholic but the my tolerance went up”…), i wrote about it, planned my day around it, denied it, survived it, and tried to hide it.

Right after i stopped drinking, i was afraid drinking defined me and didn’t know what ‘I’ meant anymore. i tried referring to myself as “alcoholic in recovery” for a while, then went back to “writer”. i also had “Coffee Addict”.

In the last couple of months, i’ve found my coffee is backing up because i no longer finish my morning travel mug during my commute so now i have that to polish off along with my “arrive at work” double instant espresso but i can’t finish all of that before 11 when i go the coffee shop for my morning espresso and then i have to gulp all the leftover dregs cold before lunch and my dessert coffee.

i’ve decided to drink less coffee. Logical, right? Not for me. It took me weeks to come to this obvious conclusion–that i no longer need to force myself to maintain my coffee intake and that i should just scale it back instead. i’m grateful now that i can recognize it and, more importantly, i can make necessary changes without threatening who i am.

i no longer define myself because i will no longer limit myself.

“Drinker” is a word. i’m neither.

The Dark Side sobriety recovery alcoholism

The Dark Side

i’ll Procrastinate Tomorrow

image

i love the above picture: it’s the epitome of procrastination. Basically, it’s the short version of  “It was easier to put this piece of paper here than empty the dishwasher. I’ll do it later–unless you want to first.”

Procrastination is one of my biggest character defaults. Alcoholism complimented that very well because i could hide behind the bottle to escape doing what needed to be done. Some of my procrastination (like with cleaning) was borne out of laziness; most of it, though, was fear based.

i was afraid of taking mail out of the mailbox, and then i was afraid of opening the envelopes once i finally did. i was afraid to answer the phone and the doorbell would send me into a near panic. i was afraid to do most anything because i knew that if i did it, there was a chance i would fail. So it was easier to not do anything at all. Until it wasn’t.

One of the main reasons i attempted suicide in January 2011 was linked to financial problems. Those troubles originally sprang from—and then were exacerbated by—fear-based procrastination. Like a drunken ostrich, i was burying my head in the bottle hoping my problems would evaporate. In the meantime i was afraid to check my bank account, scared to open mail from my bank, and petrified of picking up registered letters from my landlord at the post office.

In sobriety, i’m learning 1) to recognize procrastination the moment i tell myself “i’ll do that later” and to do it right away, (2) that “rigorous honesty” means confronting real life on its terms and dealing with it as best i can, 3) avoiding an unpleasant action is far worse than doing it.

“Emptying the dishwasher” with consistency means my dirty dishes don’t back up and mess up my kitchen.

A Dirty Joke sobriety recovery alcoholism

A Dirty Joke

Fuggit

Used-2012-11-09-Fuggit sobriety recovery alcoholism

Don’t Lose It

When i was still drinking, i had a lot of rules to keep myself in check. Here’s a taste:

  • No drinking on weeknights
  • Only one bottle of wine per drinking session
  • Only drink what i have in the house
  • Alternate a glass of water with each glass of wine/beer
  • No drinking when i have the kids

Each of these worked like a charm. Until it didn’t. Unfortunately, these stopgaps stopped working when it came to the Fuggit Button.

i have an unusually large Fuggit Button. This is the button i hit when i give up. It happens like this: i’m going along my merry way doing things like i should be until, all of a sudden, i realize i don’t have to. Before you can say “hold on”, this huge Fuggit Button fills my brain and it’s all i can see so i press it. i give up. Fuggit. It happens automatically so that i don’t even have time to think about it.

This worked out great for me. Until it didn’t.

Last night i’d planned to go to an AA meeting that started 2 hours after i finished work which meant i had to hang out in the subway before the start of the meeting and i got home at 9:30 pm instead of 6:00.

Just as my work day was finishing, i decided to press the Fuggit Button and go home early and write instead. Then, a strange thing happened. i caught myself.

Dude, you see what you just did there?

What?

You just hit the Fuggit Button.

What?

You just decided to forget your responsibilities. You just opted not to do the next right thing.

So?

So that’s the way your mind operated when you were drinking. And how did that work out for you?

Hmm. Maybe i’ll go to the meeting instead.

The topic of the meeting was gratitude, which fit, because today i have one more thing to be grateful for.

_______________

What about you…i’m curious to know if you had rules to curb your drinking and, if so, what were they? Leave a comment and let us know!

_______________

Good Enough Isn’t

Spill-proof Proof recovery sobriety

Spill-proof Proof

i live to write, but i’m not a writer, i’m an reviser.

My fiction drafts are very rough. When i reread them,  i sense the parts that don’t work, like that feeling when you think there’s one more step than there is. Somehow, unfortunately, i’m able to tell myself “Good enough” and leave it be.

It is only after i forget about the piece for a week or so that i’m able to recognize the passages that don’t work and change or delete them. i hone the phrasing of the text until it reads exactly the way i feel it. “Good enough” is no longer an option, because “Good Enough” is not good enough.

Recovery is the art of revising myself. Recovery is realizing i am not good enough and recognizing what behaviors need to be changed or eliminated and what thoughts need to be elaborated.

i am a work in progress.

_______________________

Egomaniac With An Inferiority Complex

Alcoholics are egomaniacs with an inferiority complex.

This is one of the truest things i’ve heard in or out of AA. i felt like this for decades but was never able to frame it with words. Fortunately, now i’m learning how not to need to.

How to Solve this Conundrum

The size between Large and Small? Balanced.

The trick is acting Right-Sized. As soon as my sponsor used this phrase, i instantly knew what he was talking about. Acting “right-sized” means staying within the norms of the situation and not getting carried under or away.

The easiest way to become “right-sized” is doing esteemable acts or anonymous good deeds. If i do something nice that no one will ever find out about, 1) i fight my ego because doing things with no recognition is humbling and 2) i heal my inferiority complex because i’m helping others.

The size between Large and Small? Right.

It Stopped Working

Used 2012-11-01 It's Stopped Working sobriety recovery alcoholism

It’s Stopped Working

i’m adding this to the SlogAAns & sAAyings page but i wanted to cross post here because it relates to my previous post about timing.

It Works Until It Doesn’t

Addicts begin using their drug of choice as self medication for a variety of ailments, and the treatment is efficient until “using” became “abusing” and “treatment” became “mistreatment”. The old methods work until they don’t work anymore. When the cure becomes the disease, alcoholics in recovery seek out healthier methods of dealing.

(For those of us in Alcoholics Anonymous, this realization is Step 1 material. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.“)

_________

This adage applies to other areas in recovery as well. Check it out:

  • i didn’t believe in or even need a Higher Power until i did
  • i skipped meditation in my recovery until i didn’t
  • i find it hard to be intimate until i won’t anymore…

_________