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Monthly Archives: March 2013

Born Again

Used 2013-03-30 Reborn (AlKHall Anonymous sobriety recovery)

Rebirth

In the beginning, i died. i died and i crawled inside a bottle.

Thirty years later i emerged and i was reborn.

Happy Easter, everyone, i’m glad we could make it.

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My (very) Bad

Al K Hall
Yeaman

 February 20, 2013

Al’s Insurance Company
United States

Hello,

My name is Al K Hall and twenty-three years ago, I was a policy holder of AlKHall Automotive Insurance. In February, 1990, I was involved in a one-car accident on a public interstate with no injuries. I reported the accident to you, saying that I hit a deer, and received a reimbursement check.

I am writing you today because, as a recovering alcoholic who has not had a drink in over two years, I would like to apologize for making a false statement concerning that accident. I did not hit a deer as I reported at that time, but instead fell asleep at the wheel of my car while driving under the influence of alcohol.

I offer my heartfelt apologies for the false statement I made and I understand there may be potential repercussions for it. I am trying to put my troubled past behind me and if, in order to do that, I must be held financially liable for this incident, I would ask you contact me at the above address.

Thank you for your understanding and God bless,

Al K Hall

i sent this letter a month ago to the insurance company that paid for the car i totaled while drunk driving. i haven’t yet received a response, but every day my heart beats just a little faster as i open the mailbox.

Until i remember this is Step 3 stuff. i and my fellows “made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God,” so i have no control over the result of my letter. There is a distinct possibility that the company will insist i reimburse them for the the car and if that’s the case, i need to hope they’ll let me work out a payment plan because i don’t have the money to pay them back.

i sent the letter in the first place as a part of my Step 9 amends [“Made direct amends to such people {we had harmed} wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others”]. i tried to find ways to avoid sending it, justifications that would let me off the hook, but i knew i had to tell my sponsor about the accident and he told me i had to write the letter. For what it’s worth, he did acknowledge what a bitch it was!

Step 9: Putting Recovery where your mouth is.

Used 2013-03-21 i made a mess (AlKHall Anonymous sobriety recovery)

Cleaning up my mess

i’ll keep you posted when/if i hear back from them.

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Drive by (A Blast from the Pabst)

Used 2013-03-09 Alarming AlKHall Anonymous sobriety recovery

Alarming

After college, i was obsessed with a girl who was almost as beautiful as i thought she was and who didn’t like me nearly enough to quell my obsession.

One night at a bar, i drank way more than i should have. Then i had one more. Then another. Then the idea threw up in my brain that i had to see this girl.

i didn’t decide to drive drunk that night. i never decided to drive drunk. Rather it was a compulsion that overcame me and swept me away like a tsunamitini. A smarter alcoholic would have chosen to drunk dial but i’m nothing if not the stupid alcoholic so i chose to drunk drive the 1½ hours that separated Tracy and me so i could wake her at 3am and declare my love for her. Yes, well, i’ve already admitted to being the lowest common drunkard.

Blast from the Pabst alcoholic recovery sobriety AlKHallAnonymousSomewhere around Hour-1, with 75% of the trip behind me, i fell asleep. i woke up less than a minute later to see my car barreling directly at a guardrail. i slammed on the brakes and hit the metal barrier head on. i was not wearing my seat belt.

i remember looking at the accordion front end of my car through the broken windshield. i remember taking my foot off the gas and the car shuddering to a stall. i remember seeing the cracked glass in front of me like a jagged spider’s web and understanding i had bounced off the windshield rather than burst through it.

After the long moment it took realization to seep through me, i found a way to tie the hood down with my jean jacket and drive the car to the next exit where God was nice enough to place a 24-hour truck stop that sold shock cords. i attached these to the hood and drove to a friend’s house rather than Tracy’s place.

i almost drove my car into a ditch approaching his parking lot, because i fell asleep again.

PS i was able to be fully reimbursed for my car because i told the insurance company that i’d hit a deer.

Used 2013-03-09 Michigan Hunter AlKHall Anonymous sobriety recovery

What about you? Have you ever driven drunk? Care to tell us about it in the comments?

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Crown of Thorns

That moment when you realize the song you’ve been obsessed with for a week has a reason for making you tear up whenever you hear it.

This version is a Pearl Jam cover of the Mother Love Bone original, as sung by the late Andy Wood. i’m including a fan video of the original studio recording because it expresses what’s going on with me better than i could ever dream of being able to.

Circles of Life

Drunk is not an option (AlKHall Anonymous sobriety recovery)

i don’t feel like writing.

Back in my drinking days, i used to say my life was a series of circles, like a dartboard, or a still pond after a stone had been dropped into it.

The smallest, innermost circle–the bull’s eye, if you will–represented my basic needs. Eating, sleeping, evacuating… The next circle included things like my children, my family, my job… The following ring was for my passions, seeing movies and blogging, for example.

Whenever my drinking got real bad, i withdrew into the middle of my life and ate and slept and evacuated my bowels but abandoned everything else to the ravages of my disease. i could no longer be a good father, spouse or employee, and often gave up on my blogs.

Currently, i and loved ones are going through a tough period, one filled with a lot of stress and pain and i find myself tempted to withdraw again. To hide from the world. But i know how devastating this thought pattern can be and the dark places it can lead me.

So i’m asking you to please send me and my family good, supportive thoughts (or prayers, if that’s the way you roll) and to understand if my posts here are less frequent and / or are of poorer quality.

Thanks for reading. Keep coming back.

Used 2013-03-12 The True Meaning of Serenity (AlKHall Anonymous sobriety recovery)

The True Meaning of Serenity

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The Disease Is My Cure

Used 2013-03-06 It's A Pill (AlKHall Anonymous recvoery sobriety)

It’s A Pill

Today, i read about a pill that cures alcoholism. Well, not exactly “cures” it, but helps at-risk drinkers reduce their alcohol consumption by decreasing the positive effects of alcohol on the brain.

Like many things, this got me thinking.

Imagine there’s a pill that would magically allow me to drink like a normal person. Would i take it and drink again?

The answer is, i hope not.

It was never about the alcohol for me. i drank like i did everything else: to fill a hole, not realizing i was a bottomless pit. Doing everything compulsively to reach an unreachable goal made me miserable, so then i drank to kill that too.

Fortunately, my sickness led me to recovery, and in recovery i have learned how to make myself happier than i ever was drinking. Turns out my alcoholism forced me into a place where i either had to learn to be happy or die. Ironically, my disease was the cure to my life’s ills.

So, no magic pill for me. i don’t need alcohol to be happy and i don’t need a pill to be happy, either.

Sobriety alone is good enough.

What about you? Could you be tempted by a pill that would possibly reduce your alcohol intake?

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The Cure

Used 2013-03-04 Alcoholypse (AlKHall Anonymous recvoery sobriety)

Alcoholypse

i’m in a crappy mood.

The best way to deal with this is for me to meditate a minimum number of hours on what might be the source of this discomfort and, after penetrating introspection, write a long treatise in which i analyze my thoughts and feelings and float hypothesis as to the possible origins of my malaise and, through a dialectic process and expository reasoning, develop a list of courses of action that i might feasibly take, not forgetting to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of each proposal.

Or maybe i just need to go to bed earlier.

Sometimes the easiest solution is in front of your eyes…after you close them.

“Sleeping It Off”: It’s not just for drunks anymore.

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Walk Away (Another Blast from the Pabst)

Blast from the Pabst alcoholic recovery sobriety AlKHallAnonymous

Blast from the Pabst

i’m a walker. During my drinking life, when in the middle of a binge, i would often simply stand up, step away from the table, leave the room and walk off looking for adventure. If it wasn’t my night, i would find it.

One night i went to a party at a friend’s house and over stayed my welcome so much that he insisted i spend the night in his guest room. At about 2am he put me down for the night and went to join his wife in the bedroom down the hall. Then i got the urge to walk.

i snuck out of their apartment and walked the dark streets of their neighborhood until i reached a larger and infamous suburb west of Yeaman City. This was not the kind of place you walk after dark, and especially not at 2am when you’re drunk.

A group of young people was hanging out in a deserted public square and, me being me, i approached them and tried to drunkenly befriend them using my bad Yeaman accent. After blabbering with them a few minutes, one of the gang pulled me aside and whispered it would probably be a wise decision on my part to cut the conversation short and call it a night.

So i did.

i got about three minutes away when i did my inventory. Keys – check, sunglasses – check, pen & notebook – check wallet … my wallet was missing. i’d nearly gotten away free and clear but some time during our exchange one of the group had liberated my billfold.

Not just angry but drunk angry, i stormed back to group and started telling them off for being so badly raised that they would take advantage of another person that way. So they did the normal thing and kicked my ass.

i was knocked down, kicked, punched and my neck was scratched when someone tore off my gold chain. The flurry of blows lasted only a matter of moments before another loitering group came over and shooed my attackers away.

Weight to go (AlKHall Anonymous Recovery Sobriety)

Weight to go

As i left the scene, i was humbled and sad and a little lost. Especially when i touched the back pocket of my jeans. My wallet was there– i’d had it the whole time. It had never been stolen and was, ironically, the only thing that remained of my excursion.

Hello, my name is Al and i’m an alcoholc.

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