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Weakness for Destruction

Used 2013-05-14 I'm Hooked (AlKHall Anonymous sobriety recovery)

I’m Hooked

Last Friday i got lucky. (No, the other kind of lucky.)

i went to a meeting i don’t usually go to, that starts at 10:30 pm and finishes at 11:30. When i got there, there was only one other person.

We had a small meeting, just the two of us, and in that meeting she said we alcoholics have a “weakness for devastation”.

i loved that expression because i understood it on a deep level the instant i heard it. i was the kind of alcoholic who drank because i had a crush on destruction and drinking was the fastest way to get into destruction’s panties and screw it up.

We got on this subject because i realized something in our tiny meeting.

Here in Yeaman–because of some fluke alignment of religious and war holidays–i had a 5-day weekend last weekend and, even better, my ex had the kids. i had 5 days left to my own devices and there was a time a few years ago that my own devices would’ve been bottles of wine and cocktail inventing, fast food binges, internet porn, no sleeping no showering no leaving the apartment…i would’ve viced out.

Sharing with this young lady, i realized that i’d been to an art show, two movies, discovered a cultural walk here in Yeaman, written some good stuff, started riding bicylces, wrote fiction on café terraces with a founatin pen, cleaned, ran several errands i’d been putting off, woke up at 6:30 on a day i didn’t work to go to an 8am AA meeting and then hit a 10:30pm meeting that same evening, just because.

i didn’t tell her that then and i’m not saying it now to get pats on the back or collect brownie points…it’s just sometimes i forget how far i’ve come in 2 years.

i got lucky that i decided to go to a meeting just for the hell of it, because talking with another alcoholic in recovery helped me see that my life, while far from perfect, keeps getting better all the time.

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About Al K Hall

Like a battered drinker or a punch drunk boxer, i am here for another round. For those of you who don’t know me, i’m a semi-professional writer on the rocks and a non-practicing alcoholic (if after 30 years of practicing, you still can't do something well, it's best to just give it up). For those of you who do know me, thanks for stopping by anyway and where’s the ten bucks you owe me? Welcome to my Bar None. A hole in the wall where we can hang out and trade the kind of stories you swap only when you’ve had one too many and either can’t find your way home or are afraid to. Hell, it’s cheaper than therapy and plus the pictures are prettier. Here we’ll crack open bottles and jokes and ‘last call’ are the only dirty words you’ll never hear. Pull up a stool and make yourselves at home. http://about.me/AlKHall

Posted on May 14, 2013, in Alcoholics Anonymous, Alcoholism, Lessons in Recovery, Recovery and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. I both laughed and cringed when you talked about your 5 day “vice out” (love that) – that was me. It was like excess to the excess. it’s not like I went on a hike while eating granola and then came home to a camomille tea while watching When Harry Met Sally. I needed to just destroy myself. Bathing optional.

    But what that young lady said about having a weakness for destruction – I get that. I truly do. Why do we do the things we do when they clearly don’t serve us? That’s the alcoholism, or just the “-ism” and it doesn’t care. Our weakness. Soft spot. Achilles Heel.

    Great post – thank you so much for the honesty.

    Paul

    • “Why do we do the things we do when they clearly don’t serve us”…and in fact do a disservice to us!? That’s the insanity inherent in the disease i guess.

      LOL about the granola hiking!

      Thanks for the words of wisdom, Paul.

      Keep coming back,

      Al K Hall

  2. “weakness for devastation”…

    Holy crap that’s good, Al, I’m going to remember that. Yeah, I totally get that. Along the same lines as GnR’s appetite for destruction. And I had em both.

    Happy to be in this two year boat with you Al!

    • ROS!

      Yeah, i didn’t even think about “Appetite for Destruction” until i was looking for a title for this post. i had them both as well, but now all i have is the album!

      Keep coming back, my friend,

      Al K Hall

  3. Yea boy! OMG so true! A “weakness for destruction”. Man, I’d go as far as saying a fascination with or desire for destruction. I think I was the great experimenter! I tried every life-enhancing (destructing) cocktail and combo; just to see what happened.

    Maybe call it, “pushing the life-ending” envelope. I had a gradual build of different vices that got progressively worse as I got older, and I (thank Harper God) I got “lucky” just in time to stop the train from plummeting over the mountaintop.

    What an absolutely interesting way to look at “the life”.

    Congrats on an amazing use of your time in your new life. What a miracle. Yay Al!

    • That’s it, isn’t it. A fascination. A desire. Thank HP those things no longer have the allure they used to have, and that healthier activities feel more “right” than excess!

      Keep coming back, Mel!

      Al K Hall

  4. What an impressive list from your last free weekend. It all sounds heavenly (except maybe the cleaning) and I’m so glad you ventured out for the meeting and heard ‘weakness for destruction’ so you could share it with us. How nice to step back and see how far we’ve come because it’s easier to notice shortcomings. It sounds like you’ve come a long, long way.

    • BBB!

      i couldn’t believe that list either! Just a little over 2 years ago and i would’ve been telling coworkers i spent my 5 days “relaxing”. It feels good to be able to walk into work or to meet friends and have something to talk about. The next step is exercise, which i’m pretty sure i hate, so i’m taking baby steps by riding bikes for very short trips… i’ll keep you posted!

      Thanks for the visit and keep coming back,

      Al K Hall

  5. Love this. I quit drinking 6 months ago and my life is so much better now. It is great to be fully present- even when it hurts. Nice reminder of how much more room I have for really living than I did before.

    • Wabi-Sabi!

      What i can also tell you is that now, almost 2 years to the day after this post (so a total of +4 years sober), that it still just keeps getting better. You’re on the right path, my friend, and your future is brighter now than it’s ever been.

      Keep coming back,

      Al K Hall

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