Alcohol Abused Me

Used 2013-09-01 Alcohol Abuse (AlKHall Anonymous alcohol recovery)

Alcohol Abuse

What if “Alcohol Abuse” didn’t mean that i abused alcohol, but that booze abused me?

Think about it. Liquor took advantage of my neediness and desperation. At the beginning of our relationship, it made me feel better, more confident, and more attractive. As time wore on, however, alcohol hurt me more and more, leaving me with physical scars and a bruised ego to the point i was ashamed of our relationship. i tried to hide from my friends just how badly it was hurting me but this became impossible, so i left it more than once. Yet every time i walked away, i soon missed the bottle so badly that i forgot how bad it was for me.

Until the last time, when i walked out, slammed that door and never looked back.

Except sometimes i open up that door to the past and think about the good ole days, back when alcohol loved me for real and treated me so well. There were some nights we really got along, but those moments were the exception to the rule. i remember those times fondly, but not enough to give booze one more shot.


About Al K Hall

Like a battered drinker or a punch drunk boxer, i am here for another round. For those of you who don’t know me, i’m a semi-professional writer on the rocks and a non-practicing alcoholic (if after 30 years of practicing, you still can't do something well, it's best to just give it up). For those of you who do know me, thanks for stopping by anyway and where’s the ten bucks you owe me? Welcome to my Bar None. A hole in the wall where we can hang out and trade the kind of stories you swap only when you’ve had one too many and either can’t find your way home or are afraid to. Hell, it’s cheaper than therapy and plus the pictures are prettier. Here we’ll crack open bottles and jokes and ‘last call’ are the only dirty words you’ll never hear. Pull up a stool and make yourselves at home.

Posted on September 1, 2013, in Alcoholism, Lessons in Recovery, Recovery and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. No. Alcohol is just a chemical. It is not conscious and is certainly not malicious. It does not want you dead and it cannot abuse you. You abused alcohol.

    • ITSB!

      Thanks for keeping me honest, Boat! Sorry to imply i was a helpless victim in my drinking, of course that’s not true. i made the choices and i live with the results. Like Paul says at CarryTheMessage, if it’s on my plate, i must’ve ordered it.

      This post was more of an exercise in seeing what similarities there were between active alcoholism and a dysfunctional / abusive relationship than about shifting the blame.

      Keep coming back, brother!

      Al K Hall

      • Speaking of abusive relationships and alcohol, I was watching a documentary on Jeffrey Dahmer the other day. I know his story is grotesque, but I enjoyed all the jokes made about him 20-something years ago. (E.g., What happens when you show up late to one of Dahmer’s dinner parties? You get the cold shoulder.)

        Anyway, there was one scene where the detective who interviewed Dahmer after his arrest had a bonding moment with the cannibal. Dahmer had struggled with alcohol throughout his life and had even been kicked out of the army for alcoholism. The cop too admitted that he had had his struggles with the juice and was able to commiserate. The funny part was that Dahmer blamed alcohol for his arrest. “If I hadn’t been drinking and so sloppy, you guys never would have caught me.”

        Fucking alcohol. It will get you every time.

        • Ha ha funny and weird funny! i had no idea about Dahmer and alcoholism.

          You learn something new every day. Fucking alcohol, indeed.

          Thanks for stopping by, brother,

          Al K Hall

  2. LOL! Thanks for the giggle! and I love that saying from Paul! -but I thought it just ordered all by it self! But, I do have to tell you, I strongly believe that I can get struck drunk! Really, how many times have I walked into a store to get … laundry detergent, and walked out with a few bottles of wine! Ha! Yes that did happen!

  3. Miss Anne Thrope

    I have to agree with ITSB, here. My first thought when I read this post was, “Uh-oh. He’s lost some ground there.” Even if it is a comparison between alcohol and an abusive relationship, there’s still the same choice there. Even the “victims” in abusive relationships have to own their side of the dynamic, as well as the choices they made that brought them there and kept them there. Really there are no victims, just volunteers who keep making bad choices. I don’t think that stance works either for alcohol or relationship partners. And what scared me the most was just the mindset your post seemed to be stuck in. I haven’t heard you sounding like that in a long time, Al. And I haven’t missed it.

    • Hi there kitten!

      For sure, i am in no way a victim to alcohol. i made the choices i made and am responsible for the things that i did. In fact, the main reason i hesitated over posting this wasn’t that i worried people would think i was shifting the blame, but because i didn’t want to infer that women in abusive relationships were there because they chose to be there in the way i chose to drink.

      Like i said to Boat, thanks for keeping me honest, though there’s no need to worry. i still make my 3 meetings a week, am taking on more and more responsibilities in the rooms and am reaping the daily benefits of recovery (i can now add “eating more responsibly–or at least normal quantities” to my list of life changes). Every night i add something new to my list of things i’m grateful for that sobriety has brought me, and that act alone is a reminder of how insane it would be for me to slip.

      Keep coming back, babe!

      Al K Hall

      • Miss Anne Thrope

        Eating responsibly, too, Al? My jaw just kind of dropped open. Wow. I’m so used to the idea of you eating like a college student that I don’t quite know what to do with that. And although you say there’s no need to worry, all the people who care about you have gotten kind of used to it. It may be a long time stepping down. We’re just all so happy you’ll be here with us while we learn not to worry about you so much.

        • Hi Kitten,

          You’ll notice my little addendum that in fact i’m still eating a lot of shit, only i am eating smaller quantities of it. Like i used to eat 2 meals at McDonalds and now i only eat one. i used to eat a whole frozen pizza and now i only eat a half…

          Also, i’m flattered by the concern and have all the time in the world for you to learn how not to worry.

          Keep coming back, babe,

          Al K Hall

  4. Al that last paragraph did it for me. I also look back at the past sometimes. How can I not? 20+ F@$%&ing years man. Even prisoners of war look back at their time of confinement. Yes there were good times but I don’t want to go back to living that way. Not even for five minutes.

    • Hi Gfnj!

      i so know the feeling you’re talking about! i drank for 30 years and it’s hard sometimes not to look back on those years as wasted. Still, we’re sober now and if there’s one thing i learned in all that pain is that i never ever want to go back there again.

      Keep coming back,

      Al K Hall

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