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My regrets to inform you

Used 2013-07-22 What a Tradgedy (AlKHall sobriety recovery)

What a Tradgedy

First off, a huge “Thanks” to those of you who read and commented and sent me good vibes about my last post. Your suggestions really helped put me on the right track. As did a nice talk with my sponsor.

But before i get into that, let me just say i think i was a little misleading in that post. If i came across as a guy wallowing in guilt over my past mistakes, this isn’t the case. i did stupid things when i was drinking and sobriety has given me the clarity to see just how messed up some of those things were. i’m pretty good about ‘Respecting the Past‘ and i have a lot of tools that help me make a mental adjustment when i need to.

The question i popped in that last post was more of a question of semantics, and that’s how i presented it to my Sponsor last night.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

That quote is from the AA Promises and i thought i must be doing something wrong if i still had regrets. My Sponsor, basically, told me this is more of an ideal goal to shoot for, but not achievable for everyone. What’s important is not necessarily eliminating regrets, but more not letting them control me. And i’m cool with that.

i also mentioned my guilt over not being a better parent in the past, though i realized thinking that thought is a dangerous monster to feed. My Sponsor reminded me that every day i’m sober is one more day of “the past” that my children can look back on and remember and think, “Dad did the right thing today.” And it’s more recent to boot, fresher in their minds.

So thanks again, everyone, and here’s a dry toast to kissing regrets goodbye!

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i have regrets

Used 2013-07-18 No Regerts (AlKHall sobriety Recovery)

No Regerts

i have a lot to learn and, unfortunately, i learn as slow as a snail in syrup.

Today’s example of this is regrets. i’ve posted before about how i do regret my past and i just can’t get (dare i say it?  – yes, i dare) past it. i know i’m not supposed to regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it, but i do.

i do.

i did some pretty shitty things in my past. If it were just me, then yeah, i could probably let it go. But i hurt people in my drunkenness. Badly. i cannot say i don’t regret this.

Now i know i have to accept my past. i can do this. I know i have to recognize my past led me to where i am today and i do. Job done. But i regret hurting loved ones to get here.

If regret means

  • Wishing i had not hurt people
  • Feeling sad that my drunken decisions adversely affected others
  • Experiencing pangs of guilt over my past actions

then i regret the hell out of a lot of the bullshit i pulled back in the day.

But i’m trying to get better. Case in point, i’m opening this up to my readers in general and i’m saying that i don’t know how to stop regretting my past actions and i’m asking you to help me with your advice, suggestions, tips and whatever else it takes to help me get over these regrets!

Thanks in advance, peeps!

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Past – Tense

Used 2012-12-01 Don't Beat Yourself Up alcoholism recovery sobriety

Don’t Beat Yourself Up

In Year 1 of recovery, i was so excited to be free of the disease that i did not care where i had come from. Now in Year 2, the sheer distance i’ve covered makes it impossible not to notice where i was.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

That quote is from the AA Big Book, more specifically The Promises. That quote is testament to the fact that i am not fully recovered, because i still disagree with many of my readers and harbor regrets about my past actions.

Lately, memories come back to me at random moments, like stepping on shards of broken mirrors hidden in the carpet. Memories of how i mistreated friends, hurt those that love me, and even damaged my children cut me to my core.

The further i distance myself from the asshole i was, the more i realize what an asshole i was. It hurts to see how i behaved. That i did not know better does not lessen the pain.

That it means i am far enough removed from that guy to be shocked, however, does take away the sting, if only a little.

No. Regrets

“I have no regrets.”

i used to say this all the time. i don’t know if i thought i was cool or deep or philosophical or what, but now i disagree with myself. i was wrong.

See, lately i’ve had these flashes of things i did while drinking. More specifically i have these memory shards of things i did that hurt people and you know what? i regret doing them. i can honestly say i regret hurting people in my past.

Sure, these mistakes made me the man i am today, but i would be a better man today if i hadn’t mistreated people i care about.

What about you? Do you believe in a life without regrets?